Where do I go from here?
Dear Diary, I’ts Charlee…
To my sisters, You ever feel like maybe you got the short end of the stick when it came to life? No? Just me? Well, that’s how I felt growing up. I was born into what i like to call the lower end of the money pole. Now, don’t get me wrong my parents loved me and my siblings dearly, it just seemed as though money didn’t love us. The moment we got it, no sooner it was gone! I was never able to enjoy the things in life that i wanted or the luxuries that i felt my friends had. Although, my parents weren’t the richest, I loved the memories they still tried to create and they tried to provide us the best life they could with what they had. Then things started happening and the life i once knew came to a screeching halt….YES GIRL, A SCREECHING HALT..KEEP READING!
Unfortunately, like many others, my parents started arguing more and more and of course it was mainly over money. Sis, what i couldn’t understand though is how i somehow became the counselor for them and their marital issues and at such a young age. Surely, that was not my place! I guess marriage and life became too much for them and they decided to split. So, someone please tell me what I, a 13 yr old girl is supposed to do. My life was literally turned upside down! Ya’ll, i was seriously going through it. I couldn’t get my emotions together, i’m going through puberty, i’m the older sibling and i’m forced to be my parents counselor! Obviously i’m not the best since their marriage failed after continuous counseling sessions with me lol, but hey! Gotta laugh to keep from crying right? But Ohhh, there’s more!
So, clearly my dad had to be one foot in and one foot out already, because it didn’t take him long to find someone new. It didn’t take long before he was already introducing Sally into our lives and now she calls herself trying to fill in and be our “mom”? I mean, she was nice and all but i knew it was just because her and my father were still in their honeymoon stage. I was young but still old enough to see straight through her. Can you believe after a while she really wanted me and my siblings to call her mom, I THINK NOT! As if my mom was dead or something, Sis my mom is still alive and we saw her often. We just so happened to live with my dad because of their custody agreement. Despite everything going on, and this new way of life. I still tried to be the best daughter, oldest sibling and best student that i possibly could. I still didn’t feel like my efforts were good enough, i felt all the weight of the world on my shoulders. Being the oldest, i saw things my younger siblings didn’t and not to mention i got in trouble for every little thing. It was so much that my dad would let happen or would let slide, it seemed like he was so love struck that he was oblivious to what was going on. So, what did i do? I started to hide my emotions, i shut down, i kept to myself, because clearly my emotions were no longer valid. That’s the best thing to do right?
Whew! Lets fast forward some years, not to skip the milestones but to save you from reading so much lol. I’m in my high school years and when i say i’m still dealing with the same issues, Sis, i mean i’m STILL dealing with the same issues…just more intense. Things began to get dark for me. I was tired of being yelled at, tired of feeling alone, tired of being mistreated and tired of feeling like an outcast because i didn’t want to call her mom. My other siblings seemed to fall right in line, I was the only one who was the “hardheaded child”. My thoughts and emotions began to get the best of me. No one to turn to, no one seemed to understand more or less care about how i was feeling. My mom trying to pick back up the pieces of her life so literally no one to talk to after being the counselor for them, No one was there for ME. So, one day i decided it would be best to end it all. I was clearly not needed nor would i be missed. One particular morning, i was getting dressed for school and decided to break a shaving razor to were the razor blade was exposed and on the bus ride to school i managed to cut my wrist one time all while balling my eyes out. In the midst of this dark times not realizing God was with me, all i kept hearing was “ You will get through this”. I am not where i want to be but thank God i am not where i used to be. Those dark times and thoughts try to creep into my adult life but i try to keep God first and allow him to help guide me through. I also now have a village of friends who i know i can go to when needed.
So, Where do i go from here? The answer is UP! I continue to take one day at a time and i pray my way through my adversities. I’m not perfect but i believe in myself and in my God. I hope my story can resonate with someone in hopes to help them on their journey of recovery from Suicide attempts because YOUR LIFE MATTERS. Stay tuned for updates on me and how i’m doing. I’m excited about my journey and sisterhood through EmpowerHER Essence and all of the support i am getting from our community of sisters.
